This came across my Facebook feed & I fucking cackled.

I have a lot of feelings about SPM but honestly he's been a fucking racist garbage fire in PUBLIC for so long I'm almost immune to it. Almost. I want to say 'disappointed but not surprised' but I'm not even disappointed.  Bigots gonna bigot.

🎵 take me out, tonight
where there’s music and there’s people, but they better be white

— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 17, 2018

I can't really do better than that!

YES, BOSS!

Deluxe Adam sent me this track & obviously it has to go on the blog immediately.  I've listened twice & am not sure how I feel about it but the title alone is worth an honorable mention.


https://jpegmafia.bandcamp.com/track/i-cannot-fucking-wait-until-morrissey-dies


Can I just put a special note out to say an hearty, 'FUCK YOU' to everyone who excuses Morrissey's racist claptrap as a PR move.  Both things can be true, assholes.

Jesus wept.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

Unite and take over

I've blogged about "Shoplifters of the World" before. In particular I've written about how the lyrics are obvious allusions to Morrissey having sex with men.

So the other day Big Daddy and I were on our way to work (Mama got a new job about a year ago and it's very good) and Shoplifters of the World came on. Now, for my money this is PEAK GAY SPM, but Big Daddy was all, "I'm sure it was originally shirt lifters, this."

What?

So Big Daddy explained the term "shirt lifter" (he's old AF) and that it's a slang term for gay men because, as he says, "you lift the shirt."

Full disclosure: it took me a little bit to realize he meant lifting someone's shirt tail as you hit that from behind because I grew up loving hair metal and shirt lifting is something you do to show Tommy Lee your titties. Or Nikki Sixx. Probably not Mick Mars, though, but it takes all kinds.

Anyway, if you assume SPM originally titled the song "shirt lifters" then the song is SO RUDE.

This could be like how if you replace all the instances of "wand" in the Harry Potter series with "wang" it's like WELL rude but that's just something some pervert discovered and unlikely to be JK Rowling's actual meaning.

Digression: I find The Lord of the Rings extremely homoerotic. There are so many places in the book (and the movies, holy shit) where I just want them to get a room.

Big Daddy has been reading me Fellowship as a bedtime story (it helps my anxiety) and there's a line in the beginning when Gandalf is bringing all the fireworks to Bag End that's something like "the old man started to unload at Bilbo's front door" and I was like "more like Bilbo's back door."

We laughed so hard. I would personally enjoy it if they banged. Also Sean Bean and Aragon.

But here's the obvious and very rude lyric:

A heartless hand on my shoulder
A push - and it's over

Guys.

Ok, so I'm considering going to Mexrissey if I haven't missed it already. I want to!  But it means leaving the house. Ew.

Have I been over-exposed to Morrissey or what?

I make no secret of how much I love The Smiths (it's a lot) and I have pretty much loved them passionately and with an iron grip of affection ever since I first heard them.  Sure, I had about five minutes of not liking them because I had to be different until I realized that, actually, holy shit, people are on to something and this band are amazing.

I mean, Morrissey is basically the human equivalent of a dumpster fire, which is kind of why I started writing this blog.  It's all part disgust but mostly exasperated affection.  I even listened to what must have been a fucking ten year version of 'Barbarism Begins at Home' (my least-disliked Smiths song - it's probably that fucking slap bass which I hate at all times) because I couldn't bring myself to stop a Smiths song early.  I mean, honestly.

I've even considered having 'There is a Light and it Never Goes Out' played at my funeral which is a thing I've wanted (along with Ignition (Remix), natch) ever since Big Daddy went to a funeral for a friend of his and the lyrics were included in the funeral program and it was sung by all the mourners as the final part of her funeral.  I just love that and it sounds like it was amazing (Big Daddy assures me it was - I was in Hawai'i at the time.  Go me!) so I totally want the same.  I've also told him I want a Vodou funeral but he won't entertain the idea I'll predecease him.  AT LEAST I'VE WRITTEN IT ON MY BLOG!

So the whole point of this ramble is this: I have been listening to The Smiths for over an hour, dicking around on Bejeweled Blitz and thinking about how much my arthritis is hurting me and how I have super bad heartburn from eating an entire tub of Flamin' Hot Cheetos (worth it) and how maybe I should put some fleece sweatpants on so I can warm up my goddamn hip joint when the YouTube autoplayer throws up 'Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me' and my first thought was 'maybe they would if you weren't such an utter ballbag.'

Normally I have more affection for SPM's fucking over-wrought emo-ness, which is deeply ironic because I am hugely uncomfortable with affection or strong emotion in real life.  BUT NOT TODAY.

Maybe it's because of the heartburn or the arthritis or the fact that maybe I should stop being such a fucking tightwad and turn the heat on but, God help me, I can't help but wonder if Morrissey brought it on himself.

In SPM-ish news I have realized (at nearly 36!) my entire adult aesthetic comes from this music video:






I mean, David Fincher fucking nailed it but! I also think this is one of Madonna's best songs. So, nice one MC!

But of course, I wear black on the outside 'cause black is how I feel on the inside OF COURSE.

Steve 'The Whinger' Morrissey

I extra love this because I fucking love darts.

Morrissey looks like he's about to drop the hottest BDO World Darts Championship semi final run of 2k15. pic.twitter.com/lfoFucpoOZ

— Eamo (@EamoV1) August 19, 2015

To die by your bulbous salutation is such a heavenly way to die

Today I've been listening to 'There is a Light That Never Goes Out' on repeat and a little bit of Kanye West and I can't figure out how a dude that wrote this song could possibly think 'bulbous salutation' was a good euphemism for penis. 

Come on, dude.

So Our Moz wrote a novel

I'VE GOT YOUR BULBOUS SALUTATION RIGHT HERE!


All I can think is that Morrissey is so bad at sex.  Ew.

I feel like I ought to read it but, quite frankly, I don't have that kind of time.


Here are my favorite tweets about it.

I went to the Penguin website, and the only blurb for Morrissey's novel is by...Morrissey. pic.twitter.com/XyjQk19yVI

— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) September 23, 2015

and one from my girl, Hillbilly Rachel.

Dear Me at 15: In the 21st c., the most effective form of birth control will be to read a sex scene written by Morrissey. #BulbousSalutation

— Rachel E. Pollock (@labricoleuse) September 28, 2015

I wish I knew how to quit you!

Actually, quitting Morrissey isn't really that difficult because I've not written a word since June.  Things have been pretty awful Chez Shut Up Morrissey so I've lost my oomph, as it were.

As Aerosmith said, 'I guess my get up and go must have got up and went.'

So in lieu of any real content a comic that, while not as funny as This Charming Charlie, still made me chuckle.  This comic imagines what life would be like if Morrissey had an office job.

My God, can you imagine SPM in a real fucking job?  Good Christ.  I'll be laughing about this all day!

The world never stops turning, Badger.

I never thought I'd blog about David Icke again.  Will wonders never cease?

Today I learned he's harnessed the power of social media to reach the masses. Bless! He's slotted right into the space made by anti-vaccine and Big Pharma paranoia.

I wonder if people know about his lizard people hypothesis.

I've always loved Henry Rollins

"In my opinion Morrissey just embodies every horrible trait that a human can possibly possess."

Nicknames, innit?

I've been trying to figure out appropriate nicknames for Liz and Tim for this blog.  Liz's still eludes me but I think I'm going to go with T-Ban for Tim.   I'd like it better if I could make it work with Tae Bo but you have to work with what you've got.


Here is a video which has delighted me.

Tattoo ideas

I've always been fascinated by tattoos.  When I was about eleven I was really into hair metal and Axl Rose and Rikki Rockett all had several tattoos.  None of them really held a candle to Nikki Sixx, though, who had a whole sleeve and it even extended onto his chest!

I got my first tattoo when I was eighteen and then my second not long after.  I waited for years before getting my next one and then I had another a few years later.  I've always been a bit hesitant about tattoos because I was afraid of regretting it.

One day I saw a woman in Starbucks.  She had loads of tattoos all over her arms and she was probably in her late thirties.  I didn't like her tattoos, mind, but I loved the look.  That's when I decided I couldn't give less of a shit about regretting it.  When did I think I would get these awesomely tattooed arms I wanted so badly?

So in the last year I've had a fucking shit ton of tattoo work done and it's all fabulous.  This has also led me to just get tattoos whenever I feel like it after not that much thought.  That's why I have a tattoo of me and my dog under a banner that reads 'TRUE LOVE FOR EVER.'

While visiting Brazilian Rachel in Hawai'i in 2011 I saw loads of haole with tattoos of the island chain and I thought, 'I want one!'  I didn't think that much of it, to be honest, but then in the past month or so the idea has really taken hold of me and I finally decided that I had to just go for it.  Except by now I want an hula dancer pin up (but Polynesian, for some reason all the pictures I've found are of white women) to accompany my Hawaiian Island piece.

All this leads me to this morning.  I didn't sleep much last night and when I finally dropped off I had a terrible nightmare which is just a load of bullshit.  I'm a little bit worse for wear today and so tired I feel both nauseated and starving.  I can already tell by 7pm I'm going to be so tired I won't be able to sleep at all.

I decided to accompany this Hawaii tattoo I want a tattoo of California on the other side.  I was a bit stuck about what I wanted, though, until I decided that I should get a tattoo of a burrito.

What the fuck, brain?

If this is still a good idea next week I'm going to go for it.  You have to, don't you?

Additional cast member

Brazilian Rachel: she is my very best friend in the whole world.  We met in college and I miss her every day.  She is not Brazilian.

Draw four.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about SPM lately and I can't continue to blog about him with any sort of dedication.  He's just so ... well, you know.


So, because I'm obviously destined to become a famous blogger (!) I'm going to keep blogging.  As R. Kelly Andy says, I 'have a good back story.'


Uno is my favorite game.  I've been playing it with my family since I was about five or six years old.  I have vivid memories of the joy I felt playing a Draw Four card against my hapless opponents.  I'm sure I cackled with glee as I destroyed their hopes of winning.  As I've gotten older it's come to me that maybe they let me win because I was only a child.  Fuck that shit.  I'm sure my prowess at Uno was apparent from even that young age.

Digression: My whole family is fucking crazy competitive.  I've inherited this trait in such abundance sometimes it scares even me.  Usually I'm able to be adult about it all and bow out of any kind of competition or game because my friendships are important to me but sometimes I can't help but play.

Here are my two favorite examples of my family's inability to play friendly:

When I was about sixteen my mother, my uncle and my grandmother decided to play Scrabble.  I was reading on the sofa next to the table and let them get on with it.  They are all wicked crazy Scrabble players (I hate the game and never play it because after two turns I get bored and try to spell F-U-C-K-Y-O-U with my letters) and argue all the time.  My uncle reads the Scrabble dictionary on the toilet, my grandmother had to institute a timer with a friend because they took too long to play each turn, and my mother is a killer Scrabble player who takes no prisoners.  My grandmother had a fucking super fancy Scrabble board that was on a lazy-susan type contraption so you could rotate the board and had plastic dividers between each square so the letters didn't slide around.  Serious business.  My uncle challenged the validity of a word, the dictionary was produced, the word was valid and he lost a turn.  When the turn-that-would-have-been came my Uncle insisted on taking his turn to study the board.  My mother, enraged, insisted that he had lost this privilege and anyway the board would be different when his turn came around again (I'm with her on this, for what it's worth).  They argued, my mother tried to spin the board and my uncle, unable to take his punishment like an adult, held the board in place.  With a loud crack the board split in two and my grandmother was fucking pissed.  They had to buy her another board.

Digression digression: For a while my mother and uncle had a weird Minesweeper rivalry and would call each other with their lowest scores, mocking the ability of the other.  Yeah, these are adults.

The second example involves Pictionary, a game I love but won't play anymore.  When I was about seven or eight I played with my whole extended family (it must have been Christmas or Thanksgiving if we were all together) and another uncle offered to help me read and understand my cards (pro tip: adult idioms can be hard for children).  I was supposed to draw a Bearded Lady.  I obviously drew a stick figure woman with a beard and when someone on my team said, 'Bearded woman' I said, 'yes!' and considered it a victory.  The opposition team, who were all still members of my family, insisted that it was different and we could not have the point.

These people.  These fucking people.

So I fucking love Uno and always have.  Big Daddy hates Uno and won't play it with me, probably because I'm ruthless and don't want to teach him the rules so I beat him every time we play.

YES, I AM THAT ASSHOLE.  I figured that was clear by now but just in case it wasn't I am The Worst Person Ever to play games with.  I'm not above cheating but will complain if anyone cheats against me.  I'm unscrupulous and will steal from the bank in Monopoly if it means I'm going to win this shit.

I recently managed to convince some of my work friends, R. Kelly Andy among them, to play Uno with me at lunch.  I think they might be addicted because after the first game they weren't that wild about it but then all of them showed up at an Uno date I had with LolKate and wanted to play.  Uno isn't that great, my ass!

Additional players

LolKate: LolKate is a friend from work.  I show my affection like young boys do when they like a girl.  I tease her mercilessly and troll her forever.  I spend a lot of time trying to get her to let me use her phone so I can update her Facebook status.  She always falls for this.

Sam Cojones: Another friend from work.  For some reason I'm always surprised when he knows about pop culture even though we're the same age.  Randomly a fan of Pitchshifter, Sam's family owns half of Hertfordshire.

NisbetNumeroDos: We bonded when we worked on the same corridor last year.  He's a real hipster but won't admit it.  He loves the fuck out of the zoo.

JonathanWhite: I always have to call him by his whole name.  No one else does this and he calls himself Jon.  If anyone talks about Jon I ask who they mean.  NisbetNumeroDos calls him 'Jon ... athanWhite' for my benefit.  We'd talked on the phone for years and I never knew what he looked like.  I recognized him by his voice the first time I saw him, which sounds creepy as shit.

Liz: Liz doesn't have a nickname...yet.  She beat me in one of the fastest goddamn Uno games ever this morning!  We are friends even though she misspelled my name for ages.

Tim: Tim doesn't have a nickname yet, either.  I'm going to work on this!  Tim destroyed everyone in his first ever play of Settlers of Catan and somehow failed to gloat.  I don't get this at all.

R. Kelly Sarah:  R. Kelly Andy's wife.  I've only met her once but I'm somehow sure she'll be in this blog a lot.  Every time I see this I think of her.

He looks like he wants to die after 35 seconds.

I love the backing music he chose.  A+

Ahahahahahhahaha!

AA Gill wins 'Hatchet Job of the Year' for his review of Autobiography.

I read the review and all I could think was, 'ZING!'



 

!

I just totally passed SPM's house on the bus.

That's all.

Oscillate Wildly

So Big Daddy reckons I should blog about stuff that isn't SPM.  Like, change the name of my blog and everything.

I don't know how I feel about this.

I'll bet he orders the nut roast.

Are you familiar with Jim'll Paint It?  I first learned about it when so many of my Facebook friends had liked it I couldn't ignore it anymore.  In fact, just yesterday My Favorite Humanities Simon (MFHS) was wearing a Jim'll Paint It t-shirt.

 R. Kelly Andy* found out about my blog and immediately sent me Jim's painting of 'Morrissey Ruins Christmas.'  I dig it.

And of course SPM orders the nut roast.  I mean, I'll admit I've never eaten a nut roast but it sounds awful.  Is it more awful than turkey?  I don't know, perhaps.  If I'm going to have a Christmas meal I want it to be ham, goddammit!  Prime rib is also acceptable but I'm not a fan of turkey.

I also don't like mushrooms, Brussels sprouts, or Yorkshire puddings.  Basically I'm not interested in your vegetarian Christmas options!



*Additional Cast Members

Lovely Ros: she's lovely (obviously) and I'm sure she'll turn up in the blog soon enough.  In fact, she's already been in it INCOGNITO.  We met powerlifting and I basically heart her.  She doesn't like animals in clothes.  We differ massively on this because of course I love animals in clothes.  Especially theme costumes.  I'm undecided about dogs with nailpolish.

R. Kelly Andy: I don't actually call him that but I've forced him to love 'Ignition (Remix)' through some kind of musical Stockholm Syndrome.  Toot toot!

My Favorite Humanities Simon (MFHS): Simon is my favorite Humanities Simon.  There is one other, who I actually like a lot, but MFHS is my favorite.

Autobiography reviewed by the Daily Mail

Now, The Daily Mail and I are pretty much diametrically opposed in terms of the way we view the world.  Their scaremongering bigotry is not really my bag but Big Daddy found a review of Autobiography last night and I had to share it.  I think it's spot-on but can't figure out why the reviewer gave it two stars (out of five) instead of one.


This charmless man.

My favorite bit:

Though he can’t stop ranting against Mrs Thatcher (‘Dispassionate and obviously mad... a swamp of tormented revenge’ etc, etc), his admittance to Penguin Classics represents the triumph of Thatcherism, proof positive that there is now no citadel immune to the demands of commerce.

There's the odd sentence with which I disagree but, mostly, I could've written this review.  I would have liked to have found another publisher, though.